Breaking Free: How Your Thoughts Hijack Your Happiness (And What You Can Do About It)

Can you think of a time where you would have liked to have handled a situation differently? Have you ever wished you could feel less bothered about something that happened to you? 

Difficult or negative thoughts can get in the way of feeling happier or more satisfied with a situation. It isn’t the event that is ‘good or bad’ but is in fact our thoughts about the event that make us feel and act in a particular way  

Picture this.. It’s a grey rainy Monday morning. You’re late for work, stuck in traffic you almost make it through the lights but the car in front of you stops, not allowing you through making you even later. How does this scene make you feel?

If you could choose consciously, how would you let this situation make you feel?

You can be your own worst enemy 

The Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus once said, “People are disturbed not by things but by their view of things.” Albert Ellis, the pioneer of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), echoed this sentiment, emphasising how our rigid beliefs about events affect us more than the events themselves.

REBT’s foundation lies in the notion that our emotions stem from our beliefs, often subconscious. These beliefs and values shape how we interpret situations, subsequently influencing our feelings and behaviours.

How can I change my view on things to live a happier life?

One way of challenging how you interpret any given situation is the ABCDE model, a cornerstone of REBT. This is usually used by therapists but is also accessible for personal use. The first step toward change is awareness—spotting the thoughts that surface during challenging moments. From there, delve into understanding their origin, challenge their validity, and replace them with thoughts to give you better outcomes.

What is the ABCDE model and how can I use it?

Here I take you through the ABCDE model and how you can use it to help challenge a situation or event that you would have liked to have a different outcome or feeling 

A – The Activating Situation 

An example of this could be

• A situation 
• A person
• An event
• A time when you behaved in a way that surprised you 

Whenever we have a thought it always cites a physical reaction on our body. Take some time to sit and notice when you think about this situation. 

Ask yourself

• What thoughts are you having around this situation? 
• Where do you feel it physically? 
• What actions do you or did you take when this situation arises? 
• What emotions do you feel?

In our example we look at a footballer called Micky. He plays centre back for a football team. In his first season in a crucial game for his new club he pulled his hamstring. This is his activation situation – let’s explore how he might be feeling about this.

B – The Belief 

The belief or thoughts you hold around the situation

Ask Yourself

• What might you be believing about yourself? 
• What words would you use to describe what you are thinking about yourself? Common thoughts around difficult situations are things like I’m not good enough, I can’t do this, I’m not capable 

Micky might be thinking, his injury will never heal, he won’t be as good as he was previously, someone else might shine in his absence and will be hard to get back into the first team

C – The Consequential Emotion 

What is the consequence for holding this belief or thought

Ask Yourself

• How does it make you feel emotionally? 
• How does it make you feel holding this emotion? 
• What does it lead you to do or not do?

OR  

What might be the benefit for holding this belief? – This could be keeping you safe. Give yourself an ‘out’ as it’s not really what you want to do anyway

Micky could be feeling quite low at this point, thinking that his injury won’t fully recover, or that another player will take his place. He used to be the life and soul of the dressing room but now he’s finding it hard to bring the same morale he used to. 

D- Disputing the belief

Directly challenging that belief

Ask yourself – clarity questions 

• Who says you should do this thing? 
• What makes you think you should
• What if you didn’t? 
• What is the evidence that this belief or thought I hold is true? 
• When has this not been true for you, even slightly
• Are there any other people who have this or think this but they get on in life and seem happy?

Look for counter evidence.

Micky has no evidence that he will not fully recover or that his place will be taken. He looks at many many times a player has been injured and comes back and makes a fantastic impact for their team.

E – Exchanging the thought 

Exchange the thought or belief for something that serves you better to give you a better outcome and better feelings.

Ask Yourself

• If I could exchange that belief or thought that serves me better what would it be? 
• If I could choose what beliefs or thoughts would be more useful instead?

If you were talking to your best friend or your child and they told you they had this belief about themselves what would you say to them?

Micky decides that actually the team being without him for a while is an opportunity to show how resilient he can be and how dedicated he is to get back to full fitness. He understands he only has control of his own actions and cannot predict the future so will turn up to each physio session and do the work in between sessions to get himself better. He will turn up as the best version of himself every time and continue to be the personality his team mates are used to 

A bonus step –

F – Future Planning 

Now you have done the hard work, in identifying disputing and exchanging let’s look at how you can use these new skills in a practical sense

Ask yourself 

• How can you try out this new belief? 
• What will your first step be?
• How will things change if you hold this new belief?
• How willing are you to try this out – be really honest with yourself

In summary, our thoughts about events shape our feelings and behaviours more than the events themselves. By recognising, challenging, and substituting these thoughts, we gain control over our responses, fostering resilience and a better sense of managing our thoughts and emotions. Embrace this tool, challenge those beliefs, and pave the way for thoughts that empower you!

Try this exercise 

Over the next week record 3 different situations and work through them 

The log below is a practical way to help you notice, record your thoughts and the consequence of them 

Put what you have read above into practice and see how it works for you in real time. 

So now you know you don’t need to let situations happen to you and ruin your happiness. You can put yourself in control of how you feel by working on your thoughts around the events in your life. 

To really make this work for you, build a habit of doing the exercise. Please remember to be patient and kind to yourself, like any habit this takes practice and discipline but I’m confident it will pay off in the long run as it has for so many other people